Time

Have you ever watched a sand dial drain? I feel like we are pieces of sand falling to the other side and no matter how hard we try to hang on to time it continues to slip past us. We can do nothing to make time last longer. Then when I think about it, do I really want to make time drag on longer?

We have now been in Malawi for a little over 8 months. That means it’s been 242 days since I’ve loaded things on an airplane and began the three day journey to the other side of the world. It’s been about 5808 hours since I’ve been in America, let alone Spokane. With all of the calculations it makes me realize how long it’s actually been.

When I look back on my time here things seem to blur together with a few significant memories standing out. However it feels like I’ve always been here. This is my home and my life. Then I look forward and our time is quickly draining away. I will put my stuff back on a plane on June 1. That means we have a total of five weeks left as teachers, and 46 days left in Malawi. My year of growth and finding who I want to be will be over. My year in Africa will just be memories and journal entries. We will just become teachers that our kids talk about, and annoy the next ones by quoting what we did. My home will once again have to adjust back to Washington. I will have to learn how to drive non-aggressively, how to use a cross walk again, how to say “I’m good” instead of “fine” when asked how I am, how to not stare at fellow azungus (white people), and that you can buy everything you’ve ever wanted to eat from one grocery store and you can’t barter to get prices lowers. So many changes it kind of scares me. How will I fit back into life in America? How much has this year really made me change? Can I go back to how it was before I left, or do I even want to try?

I can truly say that this year has been the hardest but the best year of my life. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I have felt God around me so often and seen his work first hand. I have also been drug through the dirt by Satan and forced to figure out how to keep going. Depressed, lonely, conquered, uplifted, inspired, excited, loved…all of these emotions have played a major part in this year. I have faced situations and experiences that I never thought I would encounter. After being here for over 8 months I still walk outside and I have to remind myself where I am. I am in Africa! I am a part of Africa! My heart and life has been shaped and changed by Africa!

Like most missionaries I arrived with this big hope of making a big difference and really impacting a few people. I’ve now come to realize that no maybe I didn’t save anyone this year, or completely change their lives. But I was completely changed. I’ve been forced to grow up, dream big, accept responsibility and pick up the pieces of problems and disasters by myself. The other day I was going through and deleting old emails, I clicked and opened a few. As I read through them I began to laugh. The person that I was before I came was so wrapped up and naive to the world. I was petty and childish, it’s almost embarrassing. In my eyes it’s hard to even remember the way I used to think and act before this year.

I’ve come to the point that I am excited for the next chapter in my life and the next exciting adventures God has planned for me, because up to this point He’s done a pretty good job making my life amazing. I am excited (and a little scared) to return home and try to figure out how I fit back in. I am excited to eat Pita Pit, have Starbucks and sleep in my bed, drive my car, and be with my family and friends; all the things that make Washington, home and sound so appealing and exciting. I feel like I did when I came here, ready for a new adventure but not sure about all of the unknowns. Malawi has been an amazing chapter in my life and it will be sad to say goodbye, and give me a week after returning home and I know I will want to go back.

I look forward to the day of stepping off the plane in Spokane to something that used to be so familiar to me. I am excited to be surrounded by people that I have shared so many memories and adventures with. Then I remember the people that have come in my life this year. They’ve become my second family. Our kids drive us crazy on a daily basis and I am pretty sure they’ve taken ten years off my life, but I love them! It’s going to be heartbreaking to hug them one last time and know that there is a small chance we’ll ever see them again. It’s going to be sad saying goodbye to everyone here who has taken us in and adopted us. The goodbyes have already begun and with each one it feels like our time here is being pulled closer to ending. There are so many mixed emotions with the idea of coming home. How can I process them all?